Now I’m worried – oh heck, I’m ALWAYS worried – that my post here sounded like a poor me whine. It wasn’t meant to be.
I LOVE how my kids are setting out into the world, and in some ways I’m looking forward to it. Every stage has been the best yet so far, but this IS different because I’m not in charge of the organising, planning and entertaining any more.
Maybe this is why the word ‘nowhere’ felt wrong. As if I was saying that because I’m no longer the one at the centre of all their activities, I’ve nowhere else to go. I hope that’s not true, because that’s not how I feel at all.
It’s just that I have to spend some time getting used to this new land of ‘nowhere’ I’m finding myself in. It’s less ‘going nowhere’, as ‘nowhere I have to go.’ There’s a big difference there!
And what I’m finding is that staying put is sometimes an adventure too – one I have to write my own map for. What a terrifying privilege that is. No one else to hide behind. Phew. No wonder I don’t want to hurry into anything. I remember once my mother telling me ‘never to wish any time away’, when I was longing for the time I didn’t have to be the one everyone relied on to get out of the house in the morning! All the things I could do if only I didn’t have to look after everyone else first. My mum was probably experiencing some of what I am feeling now. But she wrote her new map. As I will.
Now here’s a woman who really knows that ‘life loves the liver’ – at every stage!